Discerning Your Tribe

A really important lesson we need to learn on the path of spirituality is that we can’t go at it alone. One quote I’ve always loved is “no man is an island” from English poet John Donne. This quote is part of a larger poem that expresses the fact that human beings need community in order to thrive and grow. This is true, but it is also equally true that not everyone is for us, and we have to carefully discern our “family” or “tribe” for our current spiritual season.  

I want to look at this idea in relation to spirituality. There’s a reason the global community of believers is called the “Body of Christ.” There are different parts that serve different functions in God’s plan of salvation. Paul puts it like this in Ephesians: 

“Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.” Ephesians 4:15-16 (NIV) 

So the idea is that there are different people who have different gifts or expressions of God that operate through them, and these gifts and expressions grow the Body of Christ into maturity through community and communion with God and each other. It’s a beautiful idea, one we tend to hear over and over again in church. You can’t do it alone so make sure you have community. This keeps a lot of people walking into a church building on Sunday morning. How many times have we heard someone say, in horror, that person X is no longer in church and needs to “come back to God.”

There are a few important things to understand. First, the hard truth is that not every person is growing spiritually. Without active growth, we can’t contribute anything to a community. A body works best when all systems are functioning as they should. We can’t thrive as a group if the individual members are not thriving. The idea of offering service to each other on a Sunday becomes kind of pointless if we aren’t growing our giftings and spirituality outside of the church. If we don’t love others (especially those who don’t believe) well during the week, we won’t love others well on Sunday morning. 

Community is where growth meets growth in order to create exponential movement forward. Deuteronomy says that one can put 1000 to flight but two can send 10,000 to flight. Look at the passage in Ephesians again - growth and striving toward perfection and maturity are what cause the Body of Christ to grow. No growth means no movement, which means community becomes dead and pointless. Everyone has to be growing for a spiritual community to go somewhere.

And this is where it becomes so important to understand that if you are truly growing, you won’t thrive in every church you walk into, have success with every relationship you have, or be accepted by your family members. Not everyone is for you. Not everyone is growing or wants to grow at the same pace that you do.  Not everyone will accept or understand the giftings and graces that God has placed into your life. And, most importantly, not everyone will value your spiritual growth journey the way you do. For the most part, humans hate spiritual growth because it costs something and requires effort.

If you are truly passionate about moving deeper into God’s heart and following the path of the cross - you should expect misunderstandings, disappointments, and conflict, especially with those who “believe.” Jesus Himself speaks to this: 

“‘Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law - a man’s enemies will be the members of his own household. Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me.’” Matthew 10:34-38 (NIV)

This passage sounds so harsh but Jesus is speaking to the reality that not everyone will be for you. Not everyone will like you. Not everyone will accept your message. In fact, they will hate you because you are growing and they aren’t. Your life of progress into God and forward movement will be looked upon with fear, misunderstanding, and hatred. People will feel the need to correct you or deliver unsolicited advice. Live to please God, not man.

Some of you need to immediately leave the church, relationship, or community situation you currently find yourself in. You may already know this and maybe this is the confirmation you need. Have the courage to make the sacrifices that you need to make in order to move forward with God. Love sometimes looks like walking away from a community or a relationship so that you or the other party can be better off in the long run. We can love others well at a distance. I promise that it will become clear to you after you act on your decision. We tend to hold onto things for far too long and bring suffering upon ourselves.

We have to trust that God knows our situation and values healthy spiritual community. He will bring people around us who recognize and value what God is doing in and through us. Yes, our call is to serve others, but, as I said before, this happens in a community that is striving to grow into God and shares a common value system. Discern your tribe carefully, and trust that God will bring a healthy family to support and challenge you on your journey with Him.