Learning The Hard Way: 5 Things I Wish I knew SOONER

I would say that this teaching can apply to everyone who is truly on the Christian path of spiritual attainment. This is for those on the “narrow road” that Jesus talks about in Matthew 7:14 - the path of true faith and surrender. It’s a difficult path but it's an authentic one. It’s the path of the kingdom of heaven, a path of eternal life. And if you’re truly on this path of growth and maturity, you’ve found this teaching. 

Eight years ago I was dramatically called by God to follow and leave my existing life paradigm. The past eight years have been the most intense years of my life spiritually, emotionally and financially. 

In this teaching, I want to share what I wish I knew back then before I began. This teaching is a message to my past self - it’s what I wish I knew before I began and committed to the path God had for me.

You might call those years the proverbial “dark night of the soul” and for me they truly were but I would not take any of it back for anything. I’m now in a much happier and healthier place in every way imaginable so I’ve allowed myself to take a step back and really reflect on that season of my life. Like I said, I think if you are on a path of true spiritual growth, you’ll find this teaching relatable and maybe even refreshing. You’ll want to stick around to the end because I think the last truth will really surprise you.  

Truth #1: Complete surrender means being willing to give up everything. 

I can remember back to when I first received my calling from God. I felt an immense amount of fear about surrendering things in my life to God. I had it in my mind that God was out to punish me or ruin my joy. I believed that true Christianity - the path of authentic surrender - is a joyless and toilsome pursuit. After all, I had learned growing up that the lives of famous Christians all seemed to be hard and difficult with little promise of earthly reward.  

What I’ve learned could not be more the opposite. The truth is that God wants us to be happy so that we can enjoy our lives and bear good fruit in our words and deeds. 

What happens is that we tie up our identity and purpose with things in our lives - relationships, jobs, financial status, etc. We give these things enormous power over us because through them we derive our value. But deep down, we can’t seem to figure out why we are still miserable, irritable, and without peace. 

If you feel a call of God, surrender may look like giving up little things at first - habits, friendships, entertainment choices, or how you are investing your time. As you continue to grow and make way for more of God, you may start to feel God is asking more from you. For me, some ways this manifested was ending an engagement, leaving a successful career path, and spending years building once again from this ground up. This invitation to surrender happened gradually, over the course of years, as I continually set aside little things in my life.  

Change in our lives can sometimes look and feel like utter chaos. It could be a divorce, getting fired from your job, losing a loved one, strained relationships, medical hardship - the list goes on and on. What I’ve learned is that as we go through these things with God’s presence, we can learn true stillness and quiet. We can be sleeping on the boat in the middle of the storm (Matthew 8:23-27).

As we surrender, God reveals to us the true intentions and motives of our hearts. 

“For the word of God is living and active, and sharper than any two-edged sword, even penetrating as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart.” Hebrews 4:12 (NASB) 

What I’ve learned is that so many people are full of fear and this fear keeps us bound to things that, in the long run, are not really that important.  We justify our fear and lack of risk-taking by pretending to be wise or cautious about the future.

Surrender is freedom. This means that full freedom means being willing to give up everything in our lives for a greater purpose - one we cannot necessarily see or imagine in the present moment. Like Abraham, we must be willing to simply trust God and follow (Genesis 15:6). The result is spiritual freedom, happiness and, in time, blessing.  

Spiritual wealth - wisdom, knowledge, giftings, experiences - costs us something naturally. This is because we cannot be filled with God until we are emptied of our vain pre-occupations and worldly idols.

Truth #2: You will need to confront your inner darkness. 

One thing I’ve noticed over the years is that people are extremely resistant to self-reflection, vulnerability, and change. Surprisingly, I have found this resistance much worse in the so-called “Christian” people in my life.

Unfortunately, our current church system highly prioritizes religious knowledge over personal change and growth. We are taught to look outward instead of inward. Because we have the “right knowledge” about “salvation” - we constantly think the world’s problems originate with those outside of ourselves - those who don’t think the same way we do.

Jesus said “the kingdom of God is within you” (Luke 17:21). True change must begin within us and then radiate outward into the world in our words and deeds. True spirituality is about more than just knowing what we feel is the “right stuff” that will save us from hell.  

In spiritual awakening, we come face to face with our deep inner darkness. These are unhealed wounds, generational evils, or the consequences of past behavior. Nothing can truly be healed unless it is brought into the light - into our conscious awareness. As we become aware of what was hidden within, we can partner with God in light and truth to bring healing and renewal to the deepest parts of us.  

People, especially religious people, are resistant to this process because it requires humility and vulnerability - attributes many people think they inherently have because they have glorified religious knowledge. 

Once we surrender to the process and let go of the fear of our inner darkness, God sends the right people into our lives to help us be vulnerable, heal, and grow. We talk about healing here often and that’s for good reason. God’s goal is the healing of the human condition - in mind, body, and spirit. 

It isn’t comfortable to confront some suppressed, repressed or generally ignored elements of our character or life experience - but this is an essential part of deep spiritual growth. It isn’t comfortable to face the devil in our mind and evil thinking patterns, but this is the call - to put on the full armor of God (Ephesians 6:11-12).

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Truth #3: You will need to let go of those who are not growing with or alongside you. 

This one is absolutely brutal. If I reflect on the last decade of my life, I can easily say that nothing has been more challenging than some of my friendships and relationships. 

 I am a deeply relational person who, at my worst, has a tendency to people-please, keep the boat from rocking, or do whatever I can to avoid conflict. Unfortunately, and I’ve had to learn this as a young man, being at peace at all times is simply not a reality of life. And even though idealized Christianity would have us believe this is the goal of life - it isn’t. 

If you are truly growing, there will be conflict and chaos at times, in all and any circumstances. This is because our attachments to certain people revolve around shared traits, interests, experiences, personality, etc. 

When God truly gets a hold of us, all of these things begin to transform and change. This transformation can be very difficult for other people to both understand, accept, or even acknowledge.  

Some of my most lasting relationships - near and far - are solidified and bolstered by a mutual commitment to spiritual growth, healing, change, and inner renewal. This is the kingdom of God! One thing I like to say is “if you’re not growing, you’re dying.” In a spiritual context, this is absolutely true. 

Not everyone in your existing circle will celebrate or even be open to your journey of personal transformation and the sometimes dramatic changes it will bring about in your life. You will need to learn and accept that even with the best of your intentions, many of your connections are not meant to last… and this is perfectly okay. 

One huge challenge for me was that I thought every meaningful Christian relationship, friendship or even church experience was meant to last. As a Christian, I thought it was my job to make it last because I had been taught that these were ultimately my “heavenly” brothers and sisters. Because of this conditioning, I held onto things far longer than I should have and it would only bring me more pain and difficulty. 

What I’ve learned is that people come into our lives for seasons - sometimes short, sometimes long. We can learn to be intentional about, learn from, and grow with these connections while understanding they do not necessarily need to last forever. It is okay to let go of people and this is an incredibly difficult lesson to learn. 

Years ago, I had what I would consider to be strong friends at the time, but they were simply not sharing my enthusiasm and commitment to spiritual growth, change, and surrender. Or, we were growing in very different directions. Eventually, it became clear they were holding me back. Over time, I made the difficult decision to let them go (not all at once). This sounds almost arrogant but again, simply a reality of the spiritual path. 

This holds especially true for our romantic relationships - even more so! Sharing your spiritual pursuits with someone who does not value growth, spiritual freedom and emotional healing the way you do will only lead to frustration.

All of this means that the path into true spiritual maturity can be a lonely path because all of us have a unique journey and this journey oftentimes can lead us into seasons where we must grow strong on our own. Because we love to relate and connect to others, God’s specific plan and direction for each of our lives can feel very isolating. But in these lonely places, we really learn how to develop a true and lasting friendship with God.

Truth #4: True, lasting change happens slowly, ultimately becoming our character. 

The spiritual journey is about healing and growing into the image of God - in mind, body, and spirit. True transformation and change take time and sustained effort. 

Evangelical Christianity loves to celebrate ‘conversion’ experiences - the ‘come to Jesus’ moments. While there is something special about truly opening ourselves up to God for the first time, the journey is only just beginning!  

The path into God really is an incredible path and so many spiritual riches open to us as we stay steadfast in our divine direction. When we first become aware of what is truly possible with God - be it access to a spiritual gifting, a change in a character, or a life desire, we often think it will manifest immediately because in Western culture many of us are used to getting things fast. 

The truth is divine realities manifest slowly. Freedom requires sustained intention, prayer, and movement towards the goal. As we set our intention and make these efforts, we move into greater and greater change in mind, body, and spirit. 

Eight years ago, I remember being three months into an incredibly dark period of my life. I already thought that was too long to be in the kind of spiritual and emotional state I was struggling with. I assumed that it would only be a few more weeks before my life would go back to normal. 

As I struggled and pressed on, three months became a year. One year became two years and so on. It wasn’t until I was in year three of my journey that the burden of darkness and torment began to finally lift off me. Looking back, some deep changes were happening within me and those changes took time and sustained effort.  Jesus says this: 

“The kingdom of God is like a man who casts seed upon the soil; and he goes to bed at night and gets up daily, and the seed sprouts and grows - how, he himself does not know. The soil produces crops by itself; first the stalk, then the head, then the mature grain in the head. Now when the crop permits, he immediately puts in the sickle, because the harvest has come.” Mark 4:26-29 (NASB)

This verse is about the changes that happen within us at a deep level as we partner with God in our journey into salvation, healing and renewal. True spiritual growth, character change, and the manifestation of spiritual giftings take time and come in the proper season. Endurance, patience, and spiritual persistence produce true and lasting wisdom.

Therefore, on a personal note, I have great respect for those who have been through a longer spiritual battle and have emerged wiser, stronger, and more full of love. In an age where we have heavily prioritized religious knowledge and information, it has become rarer and rarer to find teaching that is born from genuine spiritual experience.

Truth #5: You will be judged most severely and even hated by those deeply rooted in religious systems. 

Even though this is a theme that plays out again and again throughout the Bible (e.g. Abel, David, Joseph, the prophets, Jesus Christ, the apostles, etc.), nothing could have prepared me for my treatment at the hands of other Christians. 

True spiritual growth means God rewards us with the kingdom of heaven - this is more of the presence of Jesus Christ in mind, body, and spirit. This includes not only previously-hidden treasures of wisdom and knowledge, but also gifts of healing, discernment, miracles, etc. All of these manifest themselves in the proper season. 

Those deeply entrenched in or who find deep value in religious systems of thinking harbor jealousy and hatred for those who actually live in the wonder and presence of God. There is jealousy for the insights, the discernment, the giftings, and all of your other hard-earned spiritual treasure. 

Remember, in the gospels we see a theme of the religious leaders hating the ministry of Jesus Christ. This is because Jesus embodied the presence of God and eternal life. His words and deeds had power because they were based in authentic spiritual experience, not just religious teachings. 

If you are truly on the spiritual path and growing into God, expect to be misunderstood and even despised. Your insights, wisdom and especially your tangible spiritual experiences will be viewed with judgment, fear, and suspicion - no matter how pure your intentions may be. 

This deep judgment is dominant in those whose spiritual life consists mostly in intellectual adherence to religious systems (i.e. facts and information). For them, God is not a living experience but biblical knowledge, religious facts, and a fear-based approach to relationship with God. 

One mistake I have repeatedly made over the years is over-sharing my unique spiritual experiences with those who I felt would find them inspiring and exciting. I have often misjudged peoples’ openness and receptivity to more experiential elements of God and it has cost me friendships and relationships, which is really wild to think about when I reflect on it all. 

Part of the issue was me not having the maturity to really discern what should be shared and what is not to be shared. As such, I remain fairly tight-lipped nowadays, trying to speak about insights or about experiences only if I know for sure they can build someone else up. 

My negative experiences with people in the Church have really tempted me to feel bitter at times. I’ve learned that, even with the best intentions, there were times when I didn’t use the best discernment and I had to learn that the hard way. 

My recommendation would be to pray for people who can be safe companions for you on your own journey - people who won’t bring judgement on you when you share sensitive information about your life or unusual spiritual experiences.

There you have it - five hard truths about the spiritual path.  In a way, I wish I could have known these things years ago. But, as for many things in life, sometimes you just need to learn through experience. And with this experience comes true wisdom that is based on authentic experience.